On this page are series of emails I decided not to send to my friend anymore. I know it will take her great time and effort to retrieve and another time to send me one. I do not want her to be obliged to check my email anymore for her own good. It's hard for me but I have to start not sending her so she would not expect emails from me.

March 24, 2000
Thank you for the day. And thanks for the advises and for seeing you once more.
As I stood nervously in front of your gate, I glanced unto your façade and the whole house for I know it will be another long time maybe not anymore, that I am going to stand in your front door again.
As I entered your house, I cannot help but glance once more to the familiar places, the kitchen area, sala, sets, rack of tapes, and your computer desk. There we spent a lot of times together. I noticed some bunch of flowers displayed proudly in one corner of your sala set - the tag reads it was bought from Makati. Somebody might have delivered it for you, and for sure you were glad.
I appreciate your coffee and the breakfast we had but I cannot eat. I stepped inside the sala to watch your t.v. but nothing comes inside my brain, only the familiar look of the place.
Thank you for touching my arms and removing the thread from my shirt. It was true, I am trying to regain your attention which I lost just a week ago. I cannot hide the tears in my eyes. I understand you and I believe what you told me about your overnight stay at the office because I trust you. We separated as if I was going to be buried alive in front of EDSA.
At that moment my head was already spinning and my breath was becoming shorter and shorter. I remembered you told me to take care of myself and you do not want to hear anything bad happened about me. I took your advice faithfully so I proceeded to South. I spent only a few hours there, skipping lunch and hurried back in UP. There I spent another long hours thinking about what had happened between us. As tears rolled down my cheeks once more, I asked God in my voice to please help me and overcome this situation. I was pleading for Him to have mercy on me. This was the hardest prayer I did. I told God to take care of me and I will obey whatever He have for me. And then I fell asleep.
Come nighttime, I want to send you an email but tried myself hard not to send you anymore. That night was the longest night I had in my life… I wasn't able to get a sleep. Saturday morning, I checked my email but nothing was there for me. Now I know somehow that you were only answering my emails just not to let me down, and you're no longer interested into sending me one. My emails doesn't thrill you anymore. Was there anybody replaced my part in you?

March 25, 2000
Nighttime, 11:00 pm. I checked my email once more but still nothing was there. I was really feeling restless. I need to know what's happening… I need an answer. There after, I proceeded to start adding another page into my personal website dedicated for these unsent emails.
I am still hoping that you will either ring my phone or send me email because you were worried about me somehow. But nothing yet and I fear there will be none anymore.
As I write this, I want to tell you that it is very very hard for me to stop sending you email but I noticed you were no longer interested receiving from me.  My world is getting smaller - first you told me not to try to call you or see you anymore. Next, you told me not to bother to go to your house anymore. Then a lot of things were removed when we again met and made love. Then you were no longer holding my hands. Next, you want me to stay away from you and start courting her again. You did not allow me to ask anything about why, where, who about your overnight stay. I already accepted the situation as me being a friend. But those questions were coming from a friend yet you were defensive about it. Why?

March 26, 2000
Yah, I was the one ringing your phone and I remained silent because I just want to hear your voice. Sorry for disturbing you. I was still excited to receive an email but unfortunately there was none. I guess you really don't miss me anymore. Me, I miss everything - your phone rings, the chat session, your emails, your lambing, caring, thoughtfulness, everything really. I am afraid to call you because I am afraid to be turned down. I hope someday you're going to call me and ask to see you again. I cannot initiate it because I know you're still mad at me. So sad am I, so sad. The good news - I was able to take my first full meal. But after that, I am back to hunger strike.
Pal, I miss you so much. Now I know how hard to miss a person this much. I am still hoping…. Hoping.